Thursday, February 26, 2009

Words would never be enough to describe how I feel right now. But I want to try so badly because I want to be able remember these feelings whenever I feel like I can't do anything anymore. Gusto ko, pag nasa babang-baba na ko, kapag yung naiiwan akong mag-isa, kapag yung pinanghihinaan ako ng loob sa mga desisyon ko, maalala ko 'tong mga nararamdaman ko ngayon... at sigurado ko, makakatayo na ulit ako.

Mixed feelings, but one thing I'm sure of is hindi ako masaya. Everything I wanted disappeared and what's left are just remnants of my insecurities and hesitations. Wala nang natira. Natalo si Gerald, si Kenneth, si Carlo... at iba pang ARISE candidates. Sa lahat-lahat ng candidates, sila yung pinakanire-respeto ko. Nalulungkot ako, aside from the fact na gusto ko si Gerald, kasi I believe he deserves it and more. He's the one for the position. And I say this without bias. Magaling si Gerald as leader. And I believe he can make that change happen, basta he's the one leading us. I like him kase may personality siya na I've never encountered before. Quiet pero kwela. Leader pero ayus lang sa kanya to be at the back. Masaya kasama. The best leader I've ever known, kasi he has the heart of one. And he has the ability to make others follow that heart, if he will only be given the chance to. Siya yung klase ng tao that I would follow through the worst and best times. I even believed na may chance na unahin ko ang ESC if he's there. Even if hindi siya as charismatic or hindi malakas yung presence niya as a person, mararamdaman mo yung ability niya talaga eh, pero yun nga lang, the only people who would see this are the ones close to him at nakasalamuha siya.

Naiinis ako! Bakit si Gaye ang nanalo? We don't need charismatic, plastic bitches here. Nakaka-bitter lang talaga nanyare. And what's more, less than a hundred yung lamang niya. Aaand, 40% lang ang naging voters turn out. Naniniwala ako na kung sana, hindi bulok ang naging sistema ng elections, Gerald would've been the chairperson. Fuck, how can I follow Gaye when nakita ko na kay Gerald yung ideal leader na gusto kong sundan. And it's not as if I'm being unfair. Dun sa mga nakakita at totoong nkasalamuha ni Gaye, she's nothing compared to Gerald. AS IN. Fine, she can talk, malakas presence niya, and because of that, marami siyang nahikayat na tao. But it's all on the outside. Ang totoo niyan, para silang robot, and I hate to think na I'll be working with them in the near future. Ang hypocrite ko nga kanina eh. Sabi kasi ni Jet, ayaw niya kay Gaye, na hinding-hindi niya kikilalanin si Gaye as his superior. Tapos sabi ko, he has to accept it... to accept her, kase we don't have a choice. Ano na lang ang mangyayare sa ESC if we choose to deny our leader diba? So kahit labag man sa loob namin, we have to let go.

Pero ang hirap pala. Ngayong mag-isa na lang ako (at di na emotional sa pag-iyak), naiisip ko, what's the use of being in a group you don't like? Responsibility? Commitment? Is that enough? Makakatagal nga kaya ako sa isang organization where there are people I knew I would never learn to accept completely? It's the people around me that makes me strive harder, to do my best.

Aaaah!!! Nalulungkot talaga ako, at nanghihinayang. Sana sineryoso ko ang campaign, not for me... but for them. Sana mas nakatulong ako sa kanila. Sana mas naging close ako sa kanila. Ngayon ko na-realize na there's a whole lot of people out there, amazing people with amazing hearts. Naka-confine kasi ako sa EEE, kaya I don't get to meet these people. Hindi ko pinagsisihan yung pagtakbo ko, kasi nakilala ko sila. Nakikita ko kung gaano kababaw yung mundo ko, kung gaano ka meaningless lahat ng ginagawa ko, kasi ginagawa ko lang siya for the sake of gawin lang. And I so regret not being able to realize this earlier.

Last night, I cried because many of us lost. And I didn't feel happiness for my win because I don't deserve it. They do, but the lost. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. I don't have the right to celebrate, because hindi ko ito pinaghirapan. Not like them, not like them na naniniwala sa kung anumang pinaglalaban nila. They fought real hard.

Nung kinausap ako ni Gerald, tapos sinabi niya na pagbutihin ko sa ESC, nag-promise ako sa sarili ko na pagbubutihin ko, para sa kanya... para sa mga kasama ko na hindi nanalo. Pagbubutihin ko sa ESC para maipakita ko sa kanilang lahat na I deserve it. At para in time, pag nakita ako ni Gerald and others, masabi ko naman sa kanila na this time, I'm doing my best. Gusto ko, maging proud sila sakin. Gusto kong maging katulad nila. Yun nga yun siguro. Gusto ko maging katulad nila. I want to be like them, kasi nirerespeto ko sila. And I want to learn to respect myself.

Hindi ko alam where I would go from here. Hindi ako nakapasok ng IRC, yung laboratory na gusto ko. And it's my fault, I know. Kasi, nag-slack off ako. Naging tamad ako, and now, it's my future that's on the line. I would try again next year, and this time, I'll make sure na tatanggapin na nila ako, dahil I deserve to be accepted. Yun yung lab na gusto ko. Magbabago na ko, and this time, I mean it. Yun na yung goal ko from now on. Maging katulad nila, nung mga idol ko. And once I've done that, alam ko na magiging worthwhile person na rin ako, and I would learn to be proud of myself.

This is the time for my resolution... for my change. Even though, mag-fail ako. I'm just going to stand up again and walk towards my goal. Parang dati, Iris! Nung first year, ganun ka diba? You can do it again. Kaya mo yan. If you're faltering again, think of Gerald. Diba?! Just think of him, just always remember this feeling and everything would go as you want them to.