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Friday, February 13, 2009

♥ Ang gulo ng mundo.

Nakakapagod na mag-isip.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano uunahin ko, fuck na yan. Nandiyan yang damned na student council na yan. Sana magunaw na ang buong UP para di matuloy ang elections at di ako ma-elect as parte ng hinayupak na office na yun. Tangina diba. Sino ba naman kase may sabi saking kumandidato dun? Sino yung napakauto-uto para madala sa mga panghihikayat ng mga tao na puro lies lang naman pala sinabi. Masaya daw kase, sagasaan ko sila diyan eh. Kung may kotse lang ako, nakoo… Sa bagay, ako pa rin ung gullible na naniwala. Ako pa rin yung kumandidato at in the end, ako yung kelangan na mag stand up for my decision. Fuck. Tapos kanina parang sinasabi nila sakin na dahil hindi enough ang manpower, kelangan kong mamili between ERG and ESC. Durr, men. Hindi nay un tinatanung sakin kase pipiliin ko ng walang halong hesitation ang ERG. Ang ESC ay stepping stone lang somewhere para sa career ko, ang ERG ay ang buong college life ko. Sige, aminado ko na kung walang ERG, malamang sa malamang hindi ko prinoproblema grades ko. Pero kulang eh, kung walang ERG. Kahit nung umpisa, ilag ako sa kanila, na winiwish ko n asana di na ko nag-ERG, ngayon, di ko ma-imagine kung saan ako ng wala sila. Haha, drama lang. Kaya di ko sinasabi sa coreps ko, pero wala akong balak, as in absolutely walang balak, na isacrifice ang time ko sa ERG for ESC. No way. Nuh-uh.

Isa pa yang campaign. Hell naman. Puedeng ilan ba kaming tatakbo, 5? Ilan kelangan, 8? Putangina, nakakainis eh. Sure win na yun. Or kung magabstain mga tao, baka meron pa di manalo, baka ako yun. Or anyway, magcacampaign ako, magpapakahirap ako makipag-usap sa mga taong iboto ako, eh fuck na yan! Wala naman sila ibang iboboto eh. Ayoko naaa. Fine, fickle-minded na, whatever. Ang hirap kase panindigan nung mga decisions mo kapag ganito, everything that can go wrong went wrong. Una, na-reject si Patty. Next, nag-backout si Don. Next, hindi ako nakakaattend kase may org something ako. Next, lima na lang kame! Next, party bukas pero mamimili ako kung saan ako pupunta, sa party o sa ESC. Kung isa kong responsableng tao malamang sa malamang ESC pinili ko, eh hindeh eh. Ever since naman, laging ERG yung nagiging base ng mga decisions ko. And that has not changed. Kahit na iba na ngayon kase masaya na ko sa ERG.

At isa pa. Kasamaan naman ng ugali ko. Nasaktan ko na naman yata feelings niya. Nagui-guilty ako kase friends kami eh. Tas dahil sa hesitations, insecurities at kung anuman, na-huhurt ko siya. Hindi ko kase alam kung hanggang saan ako pedeng kumilos as friend lang ng walang mahahalong issue. Saan ba yung boundary? Ang hirap kase, kase sa ibang tao/guys, na friends ko, uber close ako. As in kaya ko silang i-hug or lapitan ng bongga or tusuk-tusukin yung tiyan or akbayan. Kase alam ko na even though gawin ko yun, wala yung meaning. Hindi yun mabibigyan ng meaning. Pero iba sa kanya eh. Fine, naguusap kame, nagshashare ako, nagshashare siya (mainly siya, madaldal yun eh). Pero di kami super close, di gaya ng close ko sa iba. So naisip ko nung mga time na yun, hindi ko naman siya kelangan lapitan, or i-comfort, or anything, kase, dahil na din sa pag-uusap naming ni Ruffa, naisip ko na dapat hindi na ko masyadong maging friendly kase baka maling way na niya naiinterpret. Eh pero ngayon, bat ako nagui-guilty?! Shit, pati ba naman toh kelangan ko pang isipin??

Nakakadalawang pages na ko. May sense pa ba tong sinusulat ko. Gusto ko lang ilabas lahat kasi maiistress na naman ako. Papayat. Helloooo. Ako yung taong mamamatay na pag pumayat pa. Haha. OA, I know.

Pakshit na yan. Sana pag nagising ako bukas maayos na lahat. Kaya ko nag i-solve mga problema ko. Or, sana di na lang ako magising. Problem solved. Maglalaro muna ko sakaling mawala yung stress. Bukas na ko magiisip ulet. Haaaay, kill me!

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I AM GRUMPY.
1:59:00 AM


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    The Grumpy Toast is very grumpy. Beware, this toast bites.

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    I'm sorry.
    Everything's gonna be okay.
    Love makes the world go round.

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    And if you can't feel confident, then just fake it until you do! If you can convince yourself of your value, then other people will be convinced of it, too.
    You have some serious strength that you still haven't tapped into, and today's challenges will finally give you a chance to discover it for yourself.
    Stop chasing and let yourself be chased.
    There is no time like the present to get started on your future!
    You should be more deliberate about figuring out where you want to go, what you want to do, and who you want to do it with.
    Because if you show the people in power that you are not only out for yourself, you can make a very good impression.
    You simply cannot afford to let popular opinion shape even a single one of your decisions -- it may seem harmless to do something just to make everyone else happy, but in the end it will put you in uncomfortable, false situations. Being popular is not worth sacrificing your independent thinking or your goals. So do what you want to do -- push as hard as you want and ignore what other people think. You have to stay true to your idealistic nature.

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    A grumpy thanks to
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    the toast's head
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    everyday
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