Tuesday, January 27, 2009
♥ Stupid Iris.
(Count the number of times I mention stupid in this blog)
I feel like crying. I lied to my mom, drank alcohol without knowing my limit, did something new (yes, that's a good word for it), said something horrible to someone who does not deserve it... and lost my phone. Argh! My head's so messed up already. It's all in the past and I know I won't be able to change it, but I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened and wishing things were different, sane.
Stupidity no. 1: We went clubbing last Saturday. It was fun, without a doubt. It was my first time going to something like that and yet I felt like I was comfortable with the place, even though it was noisy and crowded (self-proclaimed claustrophobia). But I should have known my limitless stupidity would make the night my most unmemorable. I drank absinthe. I knew it was strong, even the bartender warned me, I just didn't listen. Why? Because I'm stupid. I thought I could handle it. Me, who haven't seriously drank alcohol before. I tested my limits (and yes, that includes my stupidity) in a club... with strangers there. Lucky for me my friends never left me alone with people I'd rather not speak about. I wasn't even aware then there were people I'd rather not speak about! Ha ha, right? The worst part is that, I remember everything. (And my friends keep reminding me too, bullies!!! T.T)
Stupidity no. 2: Earlier that day, I lost my phone in the most stupid way. I left it. On the table at KFC. Amaaazing, right? I'm amazed too, that I haven't placed myself yet in front of a speeding truck. What kind of person leaves her "most valuable" phone (since I've got no other phone) right there?! If there was a word beyond, beyond stupid, that would be me.
Stupidity no. 3: The day before that day, I said something unforgivable to a friend. And I haven't apologized yet. I know I should, because I've been feeling guilty ever since, but I can't. I'm afraid he won't accept it, that he'd just ignore me. And though for a long time, this was what I've been wishing... Recently, I am so used to him being always there, that I... I don't know. Ha ha. Big surprise there, I can't seem to know what's been happening lately. But oh yeah, I'm stupid, right? I'm not supposed to know anything. And now, I found out that he is indeed ignoring me, and resolving to not be for me anymore. I know I should be happy. This was what I had been wishing for, after all. It's just... What does this mean? Would we stop being friends? Just because of what I said? Just because I can't apologize (err, I know... there's no just about it)? I don't want that. I've always said I want him as my friend. I want him close. And I don't know what I should do, if I even have something I'm supposed to do. I keep on thinking of how I treat him and feel guilty. But I can't do it any other way, because it will just hurt him more. I will lose him, I can feel it. We won't be friends anymore, not like we used to be anyway. And I won't be able to do anything about it. Because this was my choice, I think. I can't be selfish and think I'll have everything my way. Life's not like that. Aaaaaand I'm switching to emo mode. So I'll stop here. Ha ha. I'd save the emo-ness when my mental state is ready for it. X3
Someone told me everything that's not okay will be okay someday, the sunshine after rain thing. I just hope it's not my stupidity talking when I decided to believe him.
I feel like crying. I lied to my mom, drank alcohol without knowing my limit, did something new (yes, that's a good word for it), said something horrible to someone who does not deserve it... and lost my phone. Argh! My head's so messed up already. It's all in the past and I know I won't be able to change it, but I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened and wishing things were different, sane.
Stupidity no. 1: We went clubbing last Saturday. It was fun, without a doubt. It was my first time going to something like that and yet I felt like I was comfortable with the place, even though it was noisy and crowded (self-proclaimed claustrophobia). But I should have known my limitless stupidity would make the night my most unmemorable. I drank absinthe. I knew it was strong, even the bartender warned me, I just didn't listen. Why? Because I'm stupid. I thought I could handle it. Me, who haven't seriously drank alcohol before. I tested my limits (and yes, that includes my stupidity) in a club... with strangers there. Lucky for me my friends never left me alone with people I'd rather not speak about. I wasn't even aware then there were people I'd rather not speak about! Ha ha, right? The worst part is that, I remember everything. (And my friends keep reminding me too, bullies!!! T.T)
Stupidity no. 2: Earlier that day, I lost my phone in the most stupid way. I left it. On the table at KFC. Amaaazing, right? I'm amazed too, that I haven't placed myself yet in front of a speeding truck. What kind of person leaves her "most valuable" phone (since I've got no other phone) right there?! If there was a word beyond, beyond stupid, that would be me.
Stupidity no. 3: The day before that day, I said something unforgivable to a friend. And I haven't apologized yet. I know I should, because I've been feeling guilty ever since, but I can't. I'm afraid he won't accept it, that he'd just ignore me. And though for a long time, this was what I've been wishing... Recently, I am so used to him being always there, that I... I don't know. Ha ha. Big surprise there, I can't seem to know what's been happening lately. But oh yeah, I'm stupid, right? I'm not supposed to know anything. And now, I found out that he is indeed ignoring me, and resolving to not be for me anymore. I know I should be happy. This was what I had been wishing for, after all. It's just... What does this mean? Would we stop being friends? Just because of what I said? Just because I can't apologize (err, I know... there's no just about it)? I don't want that. I've always said I want him as my friend. I want him close. And I don't know what I should do, if I even have something I'm supposed to do. I keep on thinking of how I treat him and feel guilty. But I can't do it any other way, because it will just hurt him more. I will lose him, I can feel it. We won't be friends anymore, not like we used to be anyway. And I won't be able to do anything about it. Because this was my choice, I think. I can't be selfish and think I'll have everything my way. Life's not like that. Aaaaaand I'm switching to emo mode. So I'll stop here. Ha ha. I'd save the emo-ness when my mental state is ready for it. X3
Someone told me everything that's not okay will be okay someday, the sunshine after rain thing. I just hope it's not my stupidity talking when I decided to believe him.
9:57:00 PM
