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Thursday, February 26, 2009

♥ Why is it that things don't happen the way I want them to?

Words would never be enough to describe how I feel right now. But I want to try so badly because I want to be able remember these feelings whenever I feel like I can't do anything anymore. Gusto ko, pag nasa babang-baba na ko, kapag yung naiiwan akong mag-isa, kapag yung pinanghihinaan ako ng loob sa mga desisyon ko, maalala ko 'tong mga nararamdaman ko ngayon... at sigurado ko, makakatayo na ulit ako.

Mixed feelings, but one thing I'm sure of is hindi ako masaya. Everything I wanted disappeared and what's left are just remnants of my insecurities and hesitations. Wala nang natira. Natalo si Gerald, si Kenneth, si Carlo... at iba pang ARISE candidates. Sa lahat-lahat ng candidates, sila yung pinakanire-respeto ko. Nalulungkot ako, aside from the fact na gusto ko si Gerald, kasi I believe he deserves it and more. He's the one for the position. And I say this without bias. Magaling si Gerald as leader. And I believe he can make that change happen, basta he's the one leading us. I like him kase may personality siya na I've never encountered before. Quiet pero kwela. Leader pero ayus lang sa kanya to be at the back. Masaya kasama. The best leader I've ever known, kasi he has the heart of one. And he has the ability to make others follow that heart, if he will only be given the chance to. Siya yung klase ng tao that I would follow through the worst and best times. I even believed na may chance na unahin ko ang ESC if he's there. Even if hindi siya as charismatic or hindi malakas yung presence niya as a person, mararamdaman mo yung ability niya talaga eh, pero yun nga lang, the only people who would see this are the ones close to him at nakasalamuha siya.

Naiinis ako! Bakit si Gaye ang nanalo? We don't need charismatic, plastic bitches here. Nakaka-bitter lang talaga nanyare. And what's more, less than a hundred yung lamang niya. Aaand, 40% lang ang naging voters turn out. Naniniwala ako na kung sana, hindi bulok ang naging sistema ng elections, Gerald would've been the chairperson. Fuck, how can I follow Gaye when nakita ko na kay Gerald yung ideal leader na gusto kong sundan. And it's not as if I'm being unfair. Dun sa mga nakakita at totoong nkasalamuha ni Gaye, she's nothing compared to Gerald. AS IN. Fine, she can talk, malakas presence niya, and because of that, marami siyang nahikayat na tao. But it's all on the outside. Ang totoo niyan, para silang robot, and I hate to think na I'll be working with them in the near future. Ang hypocrite ko nga kanina eh. Sabi kasi ni Jet, ayaw niya kay Gaye, na hinding-hindi niya kikilalanin si Gaye as his superior. Tapos sabi ko, he has to accept it... to accept her, kase we don't have a choice. Ano na lang ang mangyayare sa ESC if we choose to deny our leader diba? So kahit labag man sa loob namin, we have to let go.

Pero ang hirap pala. Ngayong mag-isa na lang ako (at di na emotional sa pag-iyak), naiisip ko, what's the use of being in a group you don't like? Responsibility? Commitment? Is that enough? Makakatagal nga kaya ako sa isang organization where there are people I knew I would never learn to accept completely? It's the people around me that makes me strive harder, to do my best.

Aaaah!!! Nalulungkot talaga ako, at nanghihinayang. Sana sineryoso ko ang campaign, not for me... but for them. Sana mas nakatulong ako sa kanila. Sana mas naging close ako sa kanila. Ngayon ko na-realize na there's a whole lot of people out there, amazing people with amazing hearts. Naka-confine kasi ako sa EEE, kaya I don't get to meet these people. Hindi ko pinagsisihan yung pagtakbo ko, kasi nakilala ko sila. Nakikita ko kung gaano kababaw yung mundo ko, kung gaano ka meaningless lahat ng ginagawa ko, kasi ginagawa ko lang siya for the sake of gawin lang. And I so regret not being able to realize this earlier.

Last night, I cried because many of us lost. And I didn't feel happiness for my win because I don't deserve it. They do, but the lost. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. I don't have the right to celebrate, because hindi ko ito pinaghirapan. Not like them, not like them na naniniwala sa kung anumang pinaglalaban nila. They fought real hard.

Nung kinausap ako ni Gerald, tapos sinabi niya na pagbutihin ko sa ESC, nag-promise ako sa sarili ko na pagbubutihin ko, para sa kanya... para sa mga kasama ko na hindi nanalo. Pagbubutihin ko sa ESC para maipakita ko sa kanilang lahat na I deserve it. At para in time, pag nakita ako ni Gerald and others, masabi ko naman sa kanila na this time, I'm doing my best. Gusto ko, maging proud sila sakin. Gusto kong maging katulad nila. Yun nga yun siguro. Gusto ko maging katulad nila. I want to be like them, kasi nirerespeto ko sila. And I want to learn to respect myself.

Hindi ko alam where I would go from here. Hindi ako nakapasok ng IRC, yung laboratory na gusto ko. And it's my fault, I know. Kasi, nag-slack off ako. Naging tamad ako, and now, it's my future that's on the line. I would try again next year, and this time, I'll make sure na tatanggapin na nila ako, dahil I deserve to be accepted. Yun yung lab na gusto ko. Magbabago na ko, and this time, I mean it. Yun na yung goal ko from now on. Maging katulad nila, nung mga idol ko. And once I've done that, alam ko na magiging worthwhile person na rin ako, and I would learn to be proud of myself.

This is the time for my resolution... for my change. Even though, mag-fail ako. I'm just going to stand up again and walk towards my goal. Parang dati, Iris! Nung first year, ganun ka diba? You can do it again. Kaya mo yan. If you're faltering again, think of Gerald. Diba?! Just think of him, just always remember this feeling and everything would go as you want them to.

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I AM GRUMPY.
12:27:00 AM

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

♥ Minus.

I'm irresponsible.
I'm selfish.
I hesitate a lot.
I'm a coward.
I'm fickle-minded.
I'm a flirt.
I'm weak.
I'm lazy.
I'm not disciplined.
I'm disorganized.
I hate this.

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I AM GRUMPY.
11:45:00 PM

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Jumping Jologs (a.k.a. JJ) : noun.
1. the vilest creatures in the whole universe
2. monsters
3. good-for-nothing assholes
4. entities that should be burned alive
5. people who wear black clothes, wear black eyeliners, wear large silver accesories, have weird hairstyles, have a thousand piercings
6. some would call them emo
7. they look scary
8. they hoard the UP fair every year
9. the most extreme example would be this guy who had branches and leaves behind his head (don't ask me why)
10. they smoke pot ON the fair premises
11. most look like high school students, even younger
12. the world would be a better place without them

I AM GRUMPY.
10:26:00 PM

♥ Die, fucking assholes!

We were at the UP fair last night. And it was fucking chaotic, thanks to the fucking fucktards who can't fucking understand that the Sunken Garden can't fucking hold thousands of fucking people! Dammit!

When we were just waiting in line (we waited for three freakin' hours), we had fun. We were fine being cam-whores, critic bitches and gossipers. Though we missed a lot of good bands and consoled ourselves by singing our throats out outside the fair premises, it was fun. What made it more fun was when the drunk granada boys arrived. It was fun listening to Danmel rant about how much of an emo drinker Edson is and watching how he longed to stay beside Maikka, but can't, since Maikka dislikes avid drinkers, like him.

It was when we were near the entrance when the disaster began. The good-for-nothing bastards from hell (we call them JJ, for short) were everywhere. Those disgusting insects infested OUR fair. Imagine the scenario: the whole one side of the sunken garden , where the entrance is, were filled with them. The line was surrounded by JJs. It's as if there was no line. We were not moving. They were trying to squeeze in. There was a stampede on our left side, and on our right side, they were trying to bring down the yero (and yes, I do not know the english term for it so to hell with you). My friends and I were getting squashed up. It was so noisy and chaotic. Patty, Cleo and I were crying while trying to stay together with the group. I was inches from the entrance when suddenly, broken bottles started flying. The assholes were throwing them. And they were headed in our direction! There was nothing to do but duck and cry and pray. and try our hardest not to be swept away. The three of us were separated from the others (from the boys). I was totally crying my eyes out while pleading the guard at the entrance to let us in. We were going to die and the son of a bitch was trying to verify my fucking ticket! Putangina. Ang sarap niyang patayin!

And then, we were finally in. And I ran to Owen and the others who got in first and cried. Patty, Cleo and I cried (Owen was funny, he cried too). And it was with total relief that we crashed to the grassy ground and thanked that none of us got seriously hurt.

And we were ranting kung gaano ka-garapal yung organizers nung event (it didn't help that one of the organizers were our rival org). They mass-produced tickets and sold them all without even thinking of the max capacity of the fair premises. There were people who were not able to come in. The fair was up to 3:00 AM but there was still a mile of a line outside by 2:00 AM. The worst part is, there was no option of refund. Fuck them. What the hell were they even thinking? Or did they even think? Couldn't have one of them predicted this would happen? One man got his skull smashed, for God's sakes! It was obvious they did not arrange Loverage for UP, they arranged it for their profit. They were selfish, self-centered sons of bitches and god, I wished they'd get suspended for the trouble they caused.

P.S. There is a detailed definition of what a JJ is above.

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I AM GRUMPY.
7:16:00 PM

Friday, February 13, 2009

♥ Ang gulo ng mundo.

Nakakapagod na mag-isip.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano uunahin ko, fuck na yan. Nandiyan yang damned na student council na yan. Sana magunaw na ang buong UP para di matuloy ang elections at di ako ma-elect as parte ng hinayupak na office na yun. Tangina diba. Sino ba naman kase may sabi saking kumandidato dun? Sino yung napakauto-uto para madala sa mga panghihikayat ng mga tao na puro lies lang naman pala sinabi. Masaya daw kase, sagasaan ko sila diyan eh. Kung may kotse lang ako, nakoo… Sa bagay, ako pa rin ung gullible na naniwala. Ako pa rin yung kumandidato at in the end, ako yung kelangan na mag stand up for my decision. Fuck. Tapos kanina parang sinasabi nila sakin na dahil hindi enough ang manpower, kelangan kong mamili between ERG and ESC. Durr, men. Hindi nay un tinatanung sakin kase pipiliin ko ng walang halong hesitation ang ERG. Ang ESC ay stepping stone lang somewhere para sa career ko, ang ERG ay ang buong college life ko. Sige, aminado ko na kung walang ERG, malamang sa malamang hindi ko prinoproblema grades ko. Pero kulang eh, kung walang ERG. Kahit nung umpisa, ilag ako sa kanila, na winiwish ko n asana di na ko nag-ERG, ngayon, di ko ma-imagine kung saan ako ng wala sila. Haha, drama lang. Kaya di ko sinasabi sa coreps ko, pero wala akong balak, as in absolutely walang balak, na isacrifice ang time ko sa ERG for ESC. No way. Nuh-uh.

Isa pa yang campaign. Hell naman. Puedeng ilan ba kaming tatakbo, 5? Ilan kelangan, 8? Putangina, nakakainis eh. Sure win na yun. Or kung magabstain mga tao, baka meron pa di manalo, baka ako yun. Or anyway, magcacampaign ako, magpapakahirap ako makipag-usap sa mga taong iboto ako, eh fuck na yan! Wala naman sila ibang iboboto eh. Ayoko naaa. Fine, fickle-minded na, whatever. Ang hirap kase panindigan nung mga decisions mo kapag ganito, everything that can go wrong went wrong. Una, na-reject si Patty. Next, nag-backout si Don. Next, hindi ako nakakaattend kase may org something ako. Next, lima na lang kame! Next, party bukas pero mamimili ako kung saan ako pupunta, sa party o sa ESC. Kung isa kong responsableng tao malamang sa malamang ESC pinili ko, eh hindeh eh. Ever since naman, laging ERG yung nagiging base ng mga decisions ko. And that has not changed. Kahit na iba na ngayon kase masaya na ko sa ERG.

At isa pa. Kasamaan naman ng ugali ko. Nasaktan ko na naman yata feelings niya. Nagui-guilty ako kase friends kami eh. Tas dahil sa hesitations, insecurities at kung anuman, na-huhurt ko siya. Hindi ko kase alam kung hanggang saan ako pedeng kumilos as friend lang ng walang mahahalong issue. Saan ba yung boundary? Ang hirap kase, kase sa ibang tao/guys, na friends ko, uber close ako. As in kaya ko silang i-hug or lapitan ng bongga or tusuk-tusukin yung tiyan or akbayan. Kase alam ko na even though gawin ko yun, wala yung meaning. Hindi yun mabibigyan ng meaning. Pero iba sa kanya eh. Fine, naguusap kame, nagshashare ako, nagshashare siya (mainly siya, madaldal yun eh). Pero di kami super close, di gaya ng close ko sa iba. So naisip ko nung mga time na yun, hindi ko naman siya kelangan lapitan, or i-comfort, or anything, kase, dahil na din sa pag-uusap naming ni Ruffa, naisip ko na dapat hindi na ko masyadong maging friendly kase baka maling way na niya naiinterpret. Eh pero ngayon, bat ako nagui-guilty?! Shit, pati ba naman toh kelangan ko pang isipin??

Nakakadalawang pages na ko. May sense pa ba tong sinusulat ko. Gusto ko lang ilabas lahat kasi maiistress na naman ako. Papayat. Helloooo. Ako yung taong mamamatay na pag pumayat pa. Haha. OA, I know.

Pakshit na yan. Sana pag nagising ako bukas maayos na lahat. Kaya ko nag i-solve mga problema ko. Or, sana di na lang ako magising. Problem solved. Maglalaro muna ko sakaling mawala yung stress. Bukas na ko magiisip ulet. Haaaay, kill me!

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I AM GRUMPY.
1:59:00 AM

Saturday, January 31, 2009

♥ Serietà, Incertezza e Felicita.

Questo anno sta risultando essere differente anche. And it's only Gennario! I can't say I'm not happy about it, though. I'm realizing things now that I've never even thought about before. I'm more comfortable with my surroundings. I can say I can honestly express myself more now than last year. I don't know what changed, and when exactly it happened. But I'm glad it did happen.

I never did realize I had friends in college. Stupido, sì? I go with them because I didn't want to go anywhere alone. And even though I am with them all the time, I didn't know much about them and they didn't know anything about me. It was as if I was there, but out of the loop. And though it bothered me, I never did anything about it. I never thought I have to.

But things are different now. I share my thoughts more now, and I hear theirs. Although, it's not as if I share everything. There are still some things I can't say. But this is a definite improvement. And I like it. I can say I have my college friends now: friends I go out with, have fun with, joke with, gossip with, complain with, share advices with, confide with... E sono felice. People who I can't approach before seems so friendly now. I still have some issues with myself and other people and topics, and not everyday is a blast, but this has been undoubtedly my happiest time this college.

Aaaand... he seriously has feelings for me, well, it's what he said. And I don't know what to believe. It's may be a little cruel of me, not to trust what he said. And it's not as if he said he loves me (I didn't ask, I was afraid of the answer). And... I seriously don't know what to do. He told me he can't read me, and he's asking for any kind of response. But I don't know what to give him. I'm beggining to hate myself for not knowing, because I think that I do know, I just don't want to acknowledge it. I want us to be friends. That, I'm sure of. Maybe, it's all I want. And I'm confusing all these feelings because of who surrounds me. But that aside, I still don't know what to tell him. He's expecting it soon.

I'm sooooo dead.

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I AM GRUMPY.
11:57:00 AM

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

♥ Malandeeee...!

In fairness, napasakay niya ko ah. Grabe, sobrang nagui-guilty na nga ako sa ginawa ko, lalo na nung hindi niya ko pinapansin, tas malalaman ko, kalandian niya lang pala yun! Ang sarap niyang sagasaan, malandi! Kakainis. Parang ako tuloy yung seryosong seryoso dun sa FO thingy na yun, tas siya...! Amp!

Tingnan natin kung sakyan ko pa ulit mga trip niya. Whatever talaga. Nakakainis!!! Ewan.

Peace na kame. Pero hay naku. Malandi siya.

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I AM GRUMPY.
8:16:00 PM

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

♥ Stupid Iris.

(Count the number of times I mention stupid in this blog)

I feel like crying. I lied to my mom, drank alcohol without knowing my limit, did something new (yes, that's a good word for it), said something horrible to someone who does not deserve it... and lost my phone. Argh! My head's so messed up already. It's all in the past and I know I won't be able to change it, but I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened and wishing things were different, sane.

Stupidity no. 1: We went clubbing last Saturday. It was fun, without a doubt. It was my first time going to something like that and yet I felt like I was comfortable with the place, even though it was noisy and crowded (self-proclaimed claustrophobia). But I should have known my limitless stupidity would make the night my most unmemorable. I drank absinthe. I knew it was strong, even the bartender warned me, I just didn't listen. Why? Because I'm stupid. I thought I could handle it. Me, who haven't seriously drank alcohol before. I tested my limits (and yes, that includes my stupidity) in a club... with strangers there. Lucky for me my friends never left me alone with people I'd rather not speak about. I wasn't even aware then there were people I'd rather not speak about! Ha ha, right? The worst part is that, I remember everything. (And my friends keep reminding me too, bullies!!! T.T)

Stupidity no. 2: Earlier that day, I lost my phone in the most stupid way. I left it. On the table at KFC. Amaaazing, right? I'm amazed too, that I haven't placed myself yet in front of a speeding truck. What kind of person leaves her "most valuable" phone (since I've got no other phone) right there?! If there was a word beyond, beyond stupid, that would be me.

Stupidity no. 3: The day before that day, I said something unforgivable to a friend. And I haven't apologized yet. I know I should, because I've been feeling guilty ever since, but I can't. I'm afraid he won't accept it, that he'd just ignore me. And though for a long time, this was what I've been wishing... Recently, I am so used to him being always there, that I... I don't know. Ha ha. Big surprise there, I can't seem to know what's been happening lately. But oh yeah, I'm stupid, right? I'm not supposed to know anything. And now, I found out that he is indeed ignoring me, and resolving to not be for me anymore. I know I should be happy. This was what I had been wishing for, after all. It's just... What does this mean? Would we stop being friends? Just because of what I said? Just because I can't apologize (err, I know... there's no just about it)? I don't want that. I've always said I want him as my friend. I want him close. And I don't know what I should do, if I even have something I'm supposed to do. I keep on thinking of how I treat him and feel guilty. But I can't do it any other way, because it will just hurt him more. I will lose him, I can feel it. We won't be friends anymore, not like we used to be anyway. And I won't be able to do anything about it. Because this was my choice, I think. I can't be selfish and think I'll have everything my way. Life's not like that. Aaaaaand I'm switching to emo mode. So I'll stop here. Ha ha. I'd save the emo-ness when my mental state is ready for it. X3

Someone told me everything that's not okay will be okay someday, the sunshine after rain thing. I just hope it's not my stupidity talking when I decided to believe him.

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I AM GRUMPY.
9:57:00 PM

Monday, January 19, 2009

♥ Yes or no?

It's scary. Even though I know I have to decide soon, I still can't figure out what I should do. The situation is out of my control. Things keep on piling up so fast, I feel like my world's spinning and spinning... and I don't know how to stop it. I want to escape, but I can't. It's too late to run. I can't pass everything off as a joke anymore. I can't pretend I don't know what's going on. Everyone is already aware that I know and they are expecting my answer, pressuring me to answer, in fact. And though I want to give them what they're asking of me (because I want it myself), I don't know what, or how to choose.

If I say yes, this fiasco will end for sure. But I won't have my peace, not when saying yes means I'm committing myself to something I'm quite sure I'm not ready for. If I say no, there will be people who'd get hurt, including me, I think. And I don't have the courage to hurt, especially not that person, not again.

I can't stay undecided for too long. I don't want to drag this out more than I have to. But god. I just wish I was a better person, someone able to handle all these. I wish someone would just tell me what to choose. I wish I could go back to the past, undo everything, so I won't have to go through this. I wish I could be more honest, both with myself and with that person.

Maybe, regret is inevitable, whichever I decide on. There won't be an answer where everything ends well, where everyone is happy. And maybe, the real question is, who do I choose to be happy? Me or... everyone else.

Then I guess, I'd soon find out how selfish I could be.

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I AM GRUMPY.
10:44:00 PM

Sunday, January 18, 2009

♥ Complaint: headache; Cause: connecting dots. WTF.

My head hurts. I've been doing the same goddamn thing since last night. It's a project for a major subject (that I thought was easy). It's pretty simple, really. All I have to do is, technically, connect the dots. The only catch is that these lines should not intersect with each other. Sounds easy enough, compared to solving equations, right?

Not quite. Not when you have to unearth all your everything to find a way for them not to intersect. Okay, so I'm exaggerating. But it's what it feels like! It is so frustrating to find solutions for one corner, only to find out that I have to redo it again because it does not fit the other corner. And since I obviously am not a robot (which is a shame), I cannot work on the entire space without separating them into groups.

It's too bad it'll be obvious if I cheat. He he. Ü

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I AM GRUMPY.
2:56:00 PM


♥ The Grumpy Toast ♥


    The Grumpy Toast is very grumpy. Beware, this toast bites.

♥ Lies ♥


    I'm sorry.
    Everything's gonna be okay.
    Love makes the world go round.

♥ Horoscopes ♥


    And if you can't feel confident, then just fake it until you do! If you can convince yourself of your value, then other people will be convinced of it, too.
    You have some serious strength that you still haven't tapped into, and today's challenges will finally give you a chance to discover it for yourself.
    Stop chasing and let yourself be chased.
    There is no time like the present to get started on your future!
    You should be more deliberate about figuring out where you want to go, what you want to do, and who you want to do it with.
    Because if you show the people in power that you are not only out for yourself, you can make a very good impression.
    You simply cannot afford to let popular opinion shape even a single one of your decisions -- it may seem harmless to do something just to make everyone else happy, but in the end it will put you in uncomfortable, false situations. Being popular is not worth sacrificing your independent thinking or your goals. So do what you want to do -- push as hard as you want and ignore what other people think. You have to stay true to your idealistic nature.

♥ TagBoard ♥



    The toast said TAG. NOT spam.


♥ Thank you ♥



    A grumpy thanks to
  • Jasmine
  • for creating the grumpiest layout The Grumpy Toast has ever seen. Kudos!
    the toast's head
    for having the ability to write things that The Grumpy Toast wants to write and blessedly, in an understandable way.
    everyday
    for giving the toast reasons to be grumpy so the toast can write on the toast's blog.
    The Grumpy Toast's friends
    for making the toast's life everyday grumpy (weeee).
    YOU
    for reading The Grumpy Toast's blog even though it's full of grumpy nothings about the toast's life.

♥ Past Rawr-ing ♥